7. Pull an Amelie and booty photos of yourself in a photo booth. Replace her lovelorn appeal for a meetup with your own adaptation of “Please for the adulation of God will you aloof apprehend my fucking resume already?”.
8. Get in acquaintance with the Asgard from Stargate SG-1. Thor is a bro and wingman like no other. If anyone can advice you get hired, it’s absolutely the little blah conflicting men amphibian about apple stering our defenses adjoin the goa’uld.
9. Dress to affect and airing into a affair that you weren’t arrive to. This requires a advantageous dosage of stalking, or, if you acclimated tip #4, you can aloof annex their google agenda and amount out aback to appearance up. *May account acknowledged repercussions and a abrupt bang out the door.
10. Need a job? Pretend you already assignment there. There’s apprenticed to be some bombastic workers shoved on a accidental attic somewhere. If you become their doppelganger and booty their place, maybe cipher will notice?
11. In adjustment to get your resume seen, ability out to some recruiters. Accomplish abiding to acknowledgment to their linkedin belletrist alms you employ, alike if it’s for a role you absolutely accept no acquaintance in and would never in a actor years take!
12. Sacrifice a alive craven to your celestial of best to get your resume seen. I apprehend this works sometimes, but Satan isn’t answering my pleas. Maybe I pissed him off somehow. Must’ve been aback I said pineapple belongs on pizza. He’s been ghosting me for months.
13. In adjustment to get your resume seen, address it in Klingon. Afresh you’ll be assassin by Klingons or Star Expedition fans, and either way, it’s a win/win.
14. Affected your own afterlife to get your resume read. Elaborately assemble affected account accessories on WordPress and backdate the entries to attending like you were aback dead in a aberration avocado acknowledgment accident. Afresh they’ll HAVE to apprehend the god thing.
15. Do #14 and ‘come aback to life’ and alpha a cult. Accomplish your band associates pay you dues — and afresh you never accept to work, ever, anytime again. Until the government busts you for apprenticeship bodies with episodes of Caillou.
16. Become a practicing accomplished artisan to get your resume seen. At your arcade opening, do an analytic ball with a absolute continued artist’s account about absent to get assassin for a role you are able for and accept bags of acquaintance in. Maybe some absurd art beneficiary will buy you your abandon from wage-slave hell.
17. At some point accepted basal assets will accept to be a thing, as robots will accept finer taken all our jobs. Aback this happens, you can blow accessible as your aliment are paid for and absolutely booty the time to accomplish a absurd aboriginal consequence with companies you absolutely appetite to assignment for. I’m activity for #13 aback that happens. Star Expedition nerds accomplish the best employers!
18. Aback you address your awning letter, use quotes from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. It’s a absolute adorning show. Who knows, you ability get advantageous like #13 and the hiring administrator is a Buffy fan!
19. To get your resume seen, accept your witch acquaintance apprehend your tarot cards afore you apply. Afresh you won’t accept to decay time applying to commodity the cosmos doesn’t anticipate is a acceptable fit for you.
20. Actualize your own business aloof because. Afresh you can about go on to appoint added people, and end these nonsense hiring practices. If you alpha to become the change you ambition to see in the world, maybe added bodies will change too.
21. Become accompany with Russian Hackers to get your resume seen. They’re absolutely acceptable at acceptable elections and causing accumulation chaos. They’ll be able to calmly charge your resume beyond the internet. If you accomplish bazaar saturation, you’ll get assassin in no time!
22. To get your resume to the top of the pile, actualize a video d area the hiring administrator plays as you. Each akin represents your above-mentioned jobs, with all the tasks you had to do. Already they accomplished how fucking accomplished you accept to be to complete alike one of the levels and not get a GAME OVER, they’ll army to you like you’re the Ghosts ‘n Goblins best you are.
23. To get your resume seen, cycle a accustomed 20.
24. If you doubtable that your resumes aren’t accepting apprehend because of biases like age, gender, animal orientation, religion, race, etc aloof accomplish up a affected actuality you anticipate they’d appoint and administer with the aforementioned resume. Accomplish abiding to use a air-conditioned alarmist aural name like Amanda Grayson or John Smith. And don’t balloon the amusing media handles!
25. To get your resume seen, lie on your awning letter. Say you formed for Google alike if you didn’t. Say you formed for Apple alike if you didn’t. Bodies lie on their resumes and awning belletrist all the time. It’s no biggie, right?
26. Actualize a crank virus and affect a huge accumulation of bodies to get your resume seen. Accomplish abiding you booty the antitoxin / antibodies first. If there are beneath resumes to read, you win, right? Well, ATS is still a thing…shit.
27. Carbon yourself so that your carbon can address resumes and administer to jobs for you. You’re apparently still alive abounding time as you try to leave your body crushing job, or you’re so depressed you can’t get out of bed. So accepting an added brace of easily will help. But they’re you, so they ability aloof accord up and you may aloof both accede to bundle and binge-watch Stranger Things. Hey, at atomic you accept a new friend!
28. Pretend you own a business and appoint added bodies as interns to address and accelerate out your resume for you. This is affectionate of like hiring a banker and labeling the job as an internship to get abroad with not advantageous them. It’s absolutely bent and you should feel bad for not advantageous people.
29. To get your resume seen, alpha a army sourced, grass-roots attack area anybody who sends out your resume gets $1. If they get you hired, they get $400. That way you can abstain recruiters, and your hacker nephew will be able to buy a PS4. You’ve absolute up the recruiting industry, AND you got your nephew into gaming. Rad!
30. In adjustment to get your resume seen, be a nice actuality who excels in their acreage and accept a abundant portfolio. Oh wait, that alone works .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the time. Oops.
31. If you’re a agreeable banker like me, use your assurance numbers to get your resume through the door! Stats on your resume consistently affect people! Except aback they don’t for some reason. Time to actuality some keywords so the ATS can’t can you!
32. Accompany the Church of Scientology to get your resume seen. Hey, it’s formed for soooo abounding celebrities with dying careers. It’ll apparently assignment for you, too! Aloof bethink to accumulate your arch on straight, and if Tom Cruise shows up, RUN.
33. Forego adorable for animal jobs altogether and become a aroused animal from the Stranger Things. They’ll booty aloof about anybody. You’ll be scary, eat people, and basically alive in Silent Hill. It’s affectionate of absurd and I’m candidly because this career shift. I’m not kidding, this is not a joke. I am accommodating to be a beloved of darkness.
34. Get Athena on your ancillary if you appetite your resume seen. She’s a appealing amazing God and will apparently extra the bits out of bodies who adios you. Yay!
35. To get your resume seen, accompany the anti-vaxxers. They will absolutely antechamber adjoin annihilation alike accidentally accompanying to diseases, vaccinations, or annihilation that protects the bloom of the public. If you address an commodity about how vaccinations accept fabricated you erfingers of actuality hired, they’ll best the bits out of you.
36. Try account The Secret if you appetite your resume to be read. It doesn’t amount if this science fiction / absolute fiction allotment of applesauce doesn’t absolutely work. Bodies get REALLY IMPRESSED aback you say you’ve apprehend The Secret for some reason. Alike if it’s a amount of horse shit.
37. Schedule affairs with accidental CEOs to get your resume seen. Use Hunter.io to scrape their email and set up a shitload of affairs in Google Calendar. They aren’t activity to apperceive who you are, but if you pretend you apperceive them, maybe they’ll try to save face and accede to accommodated with you anyways. Y-yay?
38. Address a atypical that makes it as a New York Times best seller! Appoint an editor with your non-existent money. If you address a sprawling science fiction atypical that absolutely gets analytical acclaim— bodies accept to ability out! Except no one brand to apprehend anymore and science fiction is for nerds! (This is absolutely my advancement tactic clocking in at 214 google doc pages so far, not alike kidding. I accept 10 added chapters, addition 3 once-overs, and afresh I’ll advertise one of my kidneys to get an editor.)
39. If you appetite to get your resume seen, change aggregate you are. Be anyone but yourself, and you’ll get the gig! PRETEND TO BE STEVE BUSCEMI PRETENDING TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.
40. To get your resume apprehend by a hiring manager, architecture a dress with your resume printed out on it. Airing about the burghal with it and canyon out your business cards. Works like a charm!
41. Appetite to get your resume seen? Say “Hire me” three times while adorable in a mirror, at midnight, captivation a dejected blaze candle. You ability get a apparition though, so be able with alkali and adamant to action the barbarian back!
42. Aloof become an absolute apprentice to get your resume seen. Transhumanism will anon be a thing, so you can annul all your flaws — like accepting affections or a personality — hurray!
43. To get your resume seen, actualize your own job aperture but instead, it’s a RESUME portal! I absolutely apperceive how to do this on WordPress — it’s absolutely easy — and I’m advertent aloof putting resumes from cool, nice, accomplished bodies up. That ability be the alone way through this mess…
44. Appetite to get accomplished the job appliance process, and get your abilities seen? Turn your ability akin to over 9000 and Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z will appearance up and appoint you! It’s absolutely that simple.
45. Are you annoyed of appointment your altered awning letters, over and over again, with no results? Put some adolescent on your keyboard and accept your cat address them! Anybody loves cats!
46. If you appetite your resume to get added love, carbon it again! I know, I know, you accept 15 altered versions and you accumulate accepting altered tips and annihilation works. Maybe you aloof abridgement activity administration experience, although you account you’ve been a PM for 10 years. That’s a possibility, right?
47. Speaking of #35, let’s get on lath with the cabal approach train! To get your resume seen, acquaintance the collapsed earthers and let them apperceive you’re disturbing because the wind over the apple blew your resume off to the ice bank at the edge! They’ll absolutely advice you out! They’re atrocious for some adamantine evidence.
48. I know, it seems nuts, but a abundant way to get your resume apparent is to email people. This works for me appealing well, except for the bodies who alarm me advantaged for emailing them and allurement if they accept any positions accessible because I adulation their company. I alone anon email companies I love….weird that the adulation doesn’t go both ways.
49. To get your resume apparent by the appropriate people, shoot it off into amplitude central of a satellite, finer on a aureate disc. If you get absolutely lucky, an conflicting will appoint you!
50. Do you appetite to get your resume seen? Team up with Vin Diesel and The Rock and drive your resume fast and angrily beyond the country adorable for hot leads. They’ll absolutely advice you out. They’re Family.
51. Snagging a job with your resume can be rough. It can booty a lot of time, alertness and planning. But an accessible way to nab a job is to set some job accessories and already they’re acceptable and stuck, shoot them with your resume rifle.
52. – Heat oven to 375ºF.- Mix skills, employers, job acquaintance and words in ample bowl. – Stir in keywords, acquaintance information, and wine to taste.- Drop resume sections by angled tablespoonfuls about 2 inches afar assimilate chat certificate on an ungreased laptop.- Fling laptop into the oven. Bake 10 to 40000000 account or until addition assuredly hires you.- Warning, baking your resume for too continued can advance to burn-out.
53. Can’t get your bottom in the aperture with your resume? Accept you approved Investing? Cash in your adamantine becoming acknowledgment and acquaintance credibility at the aggregation of your choice. They are anon communicable to a alive position. Don’t accord me that look.
54. Resume not actuality read? Alpha on your Bizarre Adventure with a accumulation of accompany and systematically defeat bad-guys with your superpowers as you expedition beyond Egypt to defeat a vampire who can stop time. After you save the world, bodies will be absorption to apprehend your CV!
55. Job portals got you down? Infiltrate a nuclear ability bulb and stick yourself in the average of all the fucking radiation. The massive amounts of acknowledgment will accomplish you so adorable in the job bazaar you’ll be absolutely radioactive and able to be apparent from space.
56. To get your resume seen, sometimes you gotta apperceive somebody. Kidnap your approaching boss’s babe or son and catechumen them to your Caillou band (see #15). Replace them by cutting their clothes. You don’t accept to do annihilation else, aloof abrasion their clothes. Appealing anon bribery will bang in, and you’ll be a winner!
57. Appetite to get your resume read? Appoint a agglomeration of Girl Scouts to do pitches for you. Instruct them to lie and say there are no added attenuate mints, but allude that there would, in fact, be attenuate mints, if the hiring administrator apprehend your resume.
58. To get your resume seen, actualize an busy plan to derail your hiring administrator on their way home. Accomplish abiding to rig their car. End up adorable them bottomward a dark, ambagious road, to a light. Over at the Frankenstein place. Invite them central alike admitting they assume uncomfortable. Aback they’ve aloof gotten over their fears, acknowledgment about how alarming it is that Time is fleeting. Madness takes it’s toll. But acquaint them to Listen closely.(Not for absolute abundant longer). So you can apprehend off your above-mentioned roles.
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